1. |
Monottone
02:35
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Lately,
You’ve been feeling
That the bad boys only making you feel badder
(excuse my grammar)
But baby
You’re revealing
That you’re looking for a different type of man
Other guys are crazy
Screw them baby
You don’t need that raunchy stuff
Too much fun
Has made you numb
But I think I can sponge it up.
I’m so predictable
I’m crazy boring baby
I push moderation the extreme
I stick to ritual
My days are all so samey
And I can give you this monotony
I can fill you with mundanity
I keep
Things taxonomic
I got a list of all the lists I want to make
Baby you need
Things monochromic
So come and live your life in 50 Shades of Grey
(I don’t mean the sexy way)
Look at the pie chart
Of my life
You’ll see there’s no variables
(predictability/predictability)
Wanna track my range
With a quantum gauge?
You’ll see, my change is negligible
I’m so predictable
I keep things unsurprising
Fluorescent beige ain’t got nothing on me
Totally typical
Girl I’m so unpolarizing
I can give you that monotony
I can give you that mundanity
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2. |
Dream Of You
03:57
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It’s close to midnight
That’s 87 minutes past my bedtime. (10.30pm - sharp)
Can you hit the big light? Right now
The only movement I can make is Rapid Eye. (I’m talkin’ ‘bout REM, rikachika)
Throw? Alpine fur aesthetic
Pillow? Hypoallergenic
I’m falling under, falling under (lover undercovers)
Oh, now I’m hypnagogic,
No, losing grip on logic
Ironmonger, big cucumber (bad spelunker)
And when I fall asleep I dream of you
I’m rocking in your cradle (Dream of you, dream of you)
You always force me to be the bigger spoon
So I make you the ladle.
My dream, dream, dream, dream
Dream, dream woman (sleep so well, we could do it with our eyes closed)
My dream, dream, dream, dream
Dream, dream woman (sleep so sexy, even the bed’s taking off its clothes)
The Foam of Memory
It holds the shape of you in my bed when you leave (reminiscent sponge)
And also annoyingly
It can recall the time I spilt some ketchup on the sheets (this mattress holds a grudge)
You say it’s weird that I sleep with socks on.
Excuse me for needing to keep my hands warm
Emotions heated, motions heated.
Why did I eat a whole wheel of cheese
An hour before going to sleep?
Fromage fever, fromage fever.
And now I fall asleep and dream of you
And your legs are made of gravel. (This isn’t good, isn’t good)
You’re in the gift shop at Colchester Zoo
Mud-wrestling with a camel (I’m so confused, so confused)
My dream, dream, dream, dream
Dream, dream woman (oh god now my teeth are falling out)
My dream, dream, dream, dream
Dream, dream woman (giving a Ted talk with my trousers down)
Wake up in a cold sweat
Feel relief that things are normal, baby
I’ve got you right by my side
With your skin so soft
And legs so gravel-y
Oh god I’m dreaming still, and now I feel
An ominous sensation (dream of you, dream of you)
How could we tell a dream from what is real
Is this a simulation? (What’s illusion? What is true?)
What’s a dream, dream, dream, dream
Dream, dream, woman? (What if I’m just an NPC in a videogame?)
Is this a dream, dream, dream, dream
Dream, dream, woman? (What if aliens have planted time-seeds in my brain?)
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3. |
Allergic
03:03
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We’re on the couch curled up
We’ve been watching Bambi
It’s come to the sad scene
You feel my limbs tense up
I thank god I’m manly
Don’t need to show empathy
You ask how I feel, I come out in a rash
How can this be? I ate no shellfash.
You say just open up, I sneeze right in your face
Don’t speak another word girl, I’m allergic to my emotions.
Oh baby, you’ve mistaken me
For someone who can process his emotions.
I’m shaking anaphylactically
At the thought of being psychically open.
Emotions makes you nuts
They containing traces
I’m itching voraciously
So I keep my lid locked shut
It’s healthy and spacious
Repressing capaciously
But there’s so many feels I know I should express
Grab you by the hand and take a deep breath
Feel a sudden warmth rushing through my whole chest
Oh wait that’s inflammation I’m allergic to my emotions.
Oh baby, you’ve mistaken me
For a guy who won’t get hives from being open.
Don’t make me speak emotionally
Unless you’ve got dermatitic lotions.
You say you don’t believe that
Emotions can cause allergies.
Now you’re Googling a pollen count meter
And it’s off the charts today
Wait you’re telling me my feeling hayfever
Is caused by actual hay?
Oh man that’s a big relief, yeah
My allergy’s separate from my being
Emotionally stunted.
I’m so relieved that my immunosensitivity
Is unrelated to my shitty communicative abilities
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4. |
The Right Time
03:34
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I’ve been waiting for the right time to tell you girl,
That I’ve been thinking about you weekly
Every Monday morning briefly
Seven seconds at 11am
I wish I could think about you all the time
But there’s other more important stuff on my mind
I’ve got limited cerebral capacity
I can’t assign it all to thinking romantically
Cause there are vital things I need to know
Why do we pronounce it “trite cliché”
But never call it “a slice of quiché”?
And oh, what would happen to Pinnochio
If he lied on opposite day?
Would his nose invert inside his face?
I’ve been waiting for the right time to tell you girl
That I’ve been thinking about you sometimes
But all my thoughts of you are confined
To when I’m not wondering if a whale could make cheese
If whales are really mammals
I could technically milk one?
And give it to a cheesemonger.
It could cure world hunger
Just imagine how much cheese it would make
Do spiders break three legs off when they wanna hi5?
Does Dwayne the Rock Johnson have a geode inside?
Do elevator-makers get high off their own supply?
Do cool psychics wear sunglasses on their inner eye?
I’ve been waiting for the right time to tell you girl,
That I’ve been thinking about you all day
Well to speak more specifically
I’ve been thinking about how women have eggs
Do you think a human egg would taste different to a bird one?
And do think an ant could fry it?
I’m not saying we should try it
But I bought an ant farm just in case
I’ve been waiting for the right time
I’ve been waiting for the right time
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5. |
Popping The Question
03:37
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There comes a time in every long term relationship
When a question arises that you've gotta get off your ch-ch-chest
I need to learn from someone
About how two become one, ohh
One way, it all links together
But you pull the other way
And it makes it all split up.
What?
I don’t know how a zip works, baby, do you?
It confuses me
What’s the method that can link two edges of plastic?
When I try myself I can’t make them intersect.
It’s been on my mind lately, so baby,
Do you know how a zip works?
You always let your obsessive nature get the better of you, no I don’t, yes you do.
I think you’ll find from these excel spreadsheets that is clearly untrue
(look how low my average is!)
It’s not a complex issue
Look sit down here I’ll show you, ohhh,
You link both the ends in the retainer
Then you pull the slider and it… just kind of...
(Horror realisation)
I don’t know how a zip works, how does it fuse?
Is it glue?
How do two tiny tooth rows tether the fabric?
Oh god, I fear this dark and powerful magic.
Don’t you find it kind of creepy that baby,
No one knows how a zip works?
Oooh, no one at CERN can answer this thing (we should take all their funding away)
(someone looking like they are explaining very clearly, smashing the board to the floor angrily)
Oooh, and there are no answers on Google or Bing (Who even uses Bing anyway)
I’m praying to god, and deep in my thoughts
I think I can make out a whispered response:
I don’t know how a zip works, no, not a clue.
Is it screws or something?
I don’t get how the sides connect, is it magnets?
Or some tiny little babies just holding it?
I create disease daily, it’s crazy
That I don’t know how a zip works.
Scientist: It’s just a series of interlocking teeth which interdigitate by a sliding mechanism-
But I’m pretty sure it’s magnets!
Now we know how a zip works, baby it’s true.
It’s tiny magnets running through it.
There’s a force in the teeth, and baby it’s magic
And it wraps around the whole of our planet
You can see it now plainly, but baby,
Just please don’t ask how a magnet works.
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6. |
Lockdown Lover
02:02
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Quarantine
I been dining lonely
Making my own take on eggs florentine
By which I mean
Replacing the ingredients
With seven types of canned bean
But from the shadows comes a fresh sensation
It’s forcing me to take the self out of self-isolation
Wasn’t looking for a Lockdown Lover
But baby then I found you
Spreading flower petals under the covers
They called tulips cause they made for two (kiss)
I never need no other
I can’t believe I’ve discovered, that all this time
I’ve been livin’ with my Lockdown Lover.
And it’s the wizard from my bedroom cupboard
Oooh, yes you heard right.
There’s a wizard
Living in my wardrobe
Trying on my silk robes
Our love so magical
It make me ungrammatical
And in the bedroom he’s a wild animal
That’s literal
He can transfigurate into a scorpion with mandibles
Wasn’t looking for a Lockdown Lover
But then you cast a spell on me
Swish-and-flick, make my heart go hover, hah
Levioser than Hermione
You make the monochrome colour
You turn the cold into summer, I never thought I’d be lovin’ livin’ with a Lockdown Lover
Who’s a wizard from my bedroom cupboard
You make me levitate I lose gravity
Up, one, two with the Lockdown Lover
Give up to the alchemy, livin’ in a fantasy
I want you to be my Lockdown Lover
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7. |
How To Socialise
01:35
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I think I’ve forgotten how to socialise
Is think it’s what happens when you spend seven months on your own inside
Just bumped into my auntie in the street
And instead of asking “how are you” I said “I’m nice to meet”.
That's not even a sentence.
I think I’ve forgotten how to socialise
I thought I could read a bunch of wikihows and start to self-remind
But there’s so much on there they need to clarify
Like “eye contact” does not mean you should touch their eyeball with your own eye.
Sorry about that grandma.
Hey, good to see you. It’s been a while!
Yeah man, the Munsten could’ve Wednesday.
What?
The muns… Munsten was… but it’s blarn… in not so nicely.
What?
Thank you!
|
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8. |
Inhaler
01:32
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Hand me my inhaler
Cause I think you took my breath away.
Sounding like Lord Vader
If his visor breath was syncopated
Hand me my inhaler
Cause you’ve knocked the wind right out of me
Fetch turbine generator
So we can harvest that wind energy
Hand me my inhaler
I’m not joking I should medicate
Give me respirator
Need immediate aerobic aid
Hand me
My
In
Haler
Oh god my lungs
Your physical appearance madam
Causes me a bronchospasm
Hand me
My
In
Haler
This is really bad
Your devastating beauty has ma
Lungs acutely doing asthma
|
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9. |
Vibe It Out
03:09
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Standing at a party
You just locked eyes with somebody
They’re clearly trying to greet you
You smile “it’s nice to meet you”
Oh shit, they were waving at somebody else!
You’re starting to get panicky
You try to compensate by laughing kind of manically
You’re making it more awkward
You’re getting sweaty, but it’s all good
I don’t think anybody’s noticed, ooh
Oooh, I need to teach you to save face
(I can make your face so safe now)
Oooh, cause if you’ve put your foot in it,
There’s an easy way to pull it out
Called your teacher mummy?
Just gotta vibe it out
Told a joke that wasn’t funny?
Just gotta vibe it out
Go to give a homeless man money
But then you realise that you don’t have any?
Just gotta vibe it out
Hi 5 on a fist bump (you screwed it!)
Gotta vibe it out
Walk in on your friend’s mum (she pooin!)
Gotta vibe it out
Offer up your seat to a pregnancy hump
Then realise it’s a guy with some junk in the trunk
Just gotta vibe it out
This is some information
on how you can recover any situation
All you need is good vibrations
I don’t mean literally shaking,
Don’t do that, it’ll make you look more crazy
Oooh, so when you’re talking way too animated
And spit on someone by mistake now,
Oooh, I know a simple way to compensate
Just spit some more, so it looks deliberate
Payment gets rejected
Just gotta vibe it out
Bluetooth headphones weren’t connected
Your porn was blaring out
You make people watch the funny clip you suggested
But it doesn’t get a laugh in the place you expected
Accidental boner
Just gotta vibe it out
Spill wine on your boss’s sofa
Who owns a plain white couch?
Laugh really hard when a stranger falls over
Then discover that he’s dead when you get a bit closer
Just gotta vibe it out
Only a neek addresses the consequences of their actions, yeah.
So are you a neek?
Or are you a fucking vibey legend?
Break your nephew’s new guitar
Just gotta vibe it out
Hit a person with your car
Just gotta vibe it out
Say you’re not the biggest fan of Andrew Marr
Then discover that he’s literally standing right tharr.
Dropped your great aunt Mary’s coffin
Just gotta vibe it out
Kick a football at an orphan
Just gotta vibe it out
Perform a heart transplant with perfect precision
Then discover they needed a totally different organ
(FADE OUT)
Accidentally sign up to ISIS
Gotta vibe it out
Now you’re one of their chief advisors
Gotta vibe it out
Get roped into designing a deadly virus
Now your implicit in a global health crisis
|
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10. |
MSN Messenger
05:24
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It’s 2005, and I’ve just fallen in love. That’s right.
Just because I’m only 11 years old, doesn’t mean I don’t know what making love feels like
It feels like eating a delicious cheeseburger. It feels like a cheeseburger
Or watching parkour videos for 3 hours straight on the internet
That’s what love feels like, I reckon.
I got home late, it’s a quarter to 8
I’m usually back at 5, but I had after-school swimming practice
My coach Mario is from Peru,
He’s so cool, he can make a funny bird noise with his mouth
And I know it’s breaking the rules to compute before my tea time (spag bol, no onions pls)
But girl you know I’m a fool for using hypermodern tools to commune with you online
I’ll be waiting on the MSN messenger
And we’re gonna raise the temperature
Girl it’s always triple X when I message ya
Cause I always put three kisses at the end of them (or 4 if I’m brave enough)
MSN messenger
Pretty sure I’m impressing ya
Every word abbreviated for your pleasure
I’m a SK8RBOI my TXT ABBRVS are always clear and DRTNPR
Hi
Hey
U k?
Gdgd, u?
Gdgd
Kl
G2g
K
If brevity’s the soul of wit, I must be
funniest motherflipper on this motherfrickin’ planet
You and me, communicating electronically
The pinnacle of modernity, man I can see this
Thing lasting for eternity and certainly
not being discontinued in 2013
Yeah there’s no way this tool could ever be replaced by something better, no
Cause what could be clearer than a doughnut appearing every time you try to type the letter O?
So just meet me on the MSN Messenger
There’s no message more instanter
You just type a winky face and then press enter
It’ll be there in a second or a minute if you’re still on dial-up
Fast forward to 2085.
Everything’s different, technology has accelerated beyond our wildest dreams.
You don’t even need a desktop computer to use MSN Messenger.
MSN Messenger pods rise up from the street. Many have had MSN messenger installed in their brain via microchips. You just think of a Nudge and it makes your friend’s head vibrate aggressively. This is the future.
And here I am, 90 years old. Just a hot old male with an old hotmail, and the exact same low res display picture, taken on my mother’s webcam in 2004. Waiting for groovychick95 to come back online.
You’re probably happy somewhere. Married to some sk8rboi93. Watching your little groovychick sk8rboi grandkids grow up. But know this. Technology rushes past us like a blink in the eye of a world that’s looking too far forward to see the now. But I’m still waiting here. Watching that little blobby blue man with no face and a butterfly on his head. Waiting for that little green dot that tell me you’ve come back to me. Watching. Waiting. On the MSN Messenger.
|
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11. |
Fingerful Gloves
01:11
|
|||
I’ve invented
The opposite of fingerless gloves
For when you wanna keep your fingers warm and toasty
But you still wanna keep both your palms exposed
A tiny little hat for every finger
Incredibly fiddly and hard to put on
But just because it’s cold shouldn’t mean I can’t hi5 my buddies
With a satisfying slap sound - YES!
I’ve invented
An additional challenge for accessing your smartphone
I’ve invented
A glove for a burglar who still wants his palms read
The market ain’t ready for my Fingerful Gloves
The FTSEs through the roof and my handsies are lovin’ it.
The market ain’t ready for my Fingerful Gloves
The FTSEs through the roof and my handsies are lovin’ it.
|
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12. |
||||
I'ma give you some instructions
That you can't be scared to try
I want you to touch it softly
Like the way you do my mind
It's got body and it's smooth to touch
The same way as my skin
Don't you be scared
To run your hands through my hair
Baby, 'cause that's why it's there
Come run your hands through my hair
Ooh baby, so don't you be scared
So come run your hands through my hair
It's been way long overdue
Just like these inches down my back
Usually don't let people touch it
But tonight, you get a pass
Spend my dimes and spend my time
To keep it real, sometimes, it's tracks
But I don't care
So run your hands through my hair
Baby, 'cause that's why it's there
Come run your hands through my hair
Ooh baby, so don't you be scared
So come run your hands through my hair
|
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13. |
Keep The Lights On
03:08
|
|||
We should keep the lights on all night
I need to look you in the eyes
Something so beautiful
Should not be disguised
Don’t darken the shine
Baby you and I need to illuminise
We should keep the lights on all night
I need to see this paradise
It’s not because I’m terrified
Of the dark.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
Imagine if that was why I was singing this.
Tell the DJ to turn the lights up, please (As high as possible)
I just want to see your beautiful face (under 80 Watt fluorescent bulbs - Say Watt?)
Why do nightclubs have to be so dark?
It’s irresponsible. What if someone loses an earring?
I’m just making a practical remark
Unrelated to the concept of goblins appearing.
We should keep the lights on all night
There’s no such thing as way too bright
It’s not because I’m terrified
Of the dark and permanently scarred
By the time I once saw a goblin man in the forest
Biting your lip, do you mind if I slip into
Something more comfortable? (Night vision is essential)
I’ve tried eating carrots, but turns out they’re not
A sight-improving vegetable. (Completely ineffectual)
Don’t you think the mood would feel more right
If we replace those scented candles with this industrial light?
And do you have any talismanic runes?
Specifically ones that might ward off a goblin.
We should keep the lights on all night
Cause I’m haunted by an evil sprite
He wants to see me dead tonight,
He’s lurking in the dark, I hate to have to ask
But if it came down to it would you die in my place?
I’m the Goblin of your nightmares
You think I’m here for death scares
But I just want to dance
So give me one more chance
Keep the lights off baby
And I’ll show you how we do this
|
||||
14. |
||||
Everything is fucked
It’s a flaming catastrophe
Not a single thing is how it’s supposed to be
I’m dead behind the eyes, dead behind the eyes
But somehow also crippled with anxiety
So tell me professor, how can I keep these feelings at bay
I’m feeling the pressure, there must be some way I can make change
Why not move planets?
That’s quite a trip
Maybe I’ll try it
Everything is cool
It’s a shining utopia
Martian harvest so beautiful and copious
I live a perfect life, live a perfect life
So why do I still feel so fucking anxious?
Oh maybe I’m hungry, maybe I need all the aliens’ grain,
Feels good to be angry, I just need to vent a bit more pain
Maybe I’ll just become
Planetary overlord, I quite like the sound of
Total dominion
I may have gone overboard
But fuck it,
It’s all mine now.
Clap along if you feel like happiness is for you
Clap along if you feel Lord Emu is the truth
Clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do
Clap along if you feel like you’ll die if you don’t, a-shoo-ba-dee-doo
Clap along if you feel like happiness is for you
Clap along if you feel Lord Emu is the truth
Clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do
Clap along if you feel like you’ll die if you don’t, a-shoo-ba-dee-doo
|
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15. |
We Own A Jungle
02:51
|
|||
Friday night, I’m working overtime
To get my record on
I kill the light, but you still hear the vibe
Even with my headphones on
Baby it’s no mystery
Why you keep your kiss for meb
We both got chequered history
But you and me
We own a jungle
We own a jungle
When I die, you bring me back to life
Metempsychosify
Call of Duty, press square to revive
And y ou tap it every time
Baby it’s no mystery
Why you keep your kiss for me
We both got chequered history
But you and me
We own a jungle
We own a jungle
Colder climes
We feel the freezing
Baker’s Bean
It’s all we’re eating
But every time I feel the need
You bring the heat in
We own a jungle
We own a jungle
We own a jungle
|
||||
16. |
Phagocyte
03:38
|
|||
I’m the trash, are you the collector? Come pick me up.
I’m the rash, upon your neck, can you fix me up.
But sudo, sudo, sudocream just isn’t strong enough.
Pseudo, pseudo, pseudo. Fake trust but you called my bluff, called my bluff.
Wouldn’t get too close to me baby, Unless you’re tough enough
Wanna feel you swallow my body
And break me up
There’s only one way to make this right
I’m a parasitic pathogen, you be my phagocyte.
There is no injection against verbosity, pure prolixity, feel my ego.
I’m a fecular segment. Just for clarity, that means ‘piece of shit.’
And I know, I know, I know this work should be up to me,
But a rhino, rhino, rhino gives up tusk reluctantly.
Wouldn’t get too close to me baby,
Unless you’re tough enough
Wanna feel you swallow my body
And break me up
There’s only one way to make me right
I’m a parasitic pathogen, you be my phagocyte.
Ooooh, yeah. I’m poison baby, but I think your love can save me
Ooooh, yeah. I’m poison baby, can you digest my contagion.
Ooooh, yeah. I’m poison baby, but I think your love can save me
Ooooh, yeah. I’m poison baby, can you digest my contagion.
|
Jazz Emu London, UK
Jazz Emu is a multi award-winning Sex Therapist with a proven track record. His therapy sessions have been featured on infamous music establishments such as Comic Relief, Sky, and BBC Radio 4. He also produces ground-breakingly sincere musical video content on Youtube. ... more
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