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[sic]

by Jazz Emu

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snorlaxjen
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snorlaxjen Sorry you can’t make me pick a favourite; but saying that if Sexier, Miami, Get It Right all can take turns being numero uno, I will find that acceptable.

Oh wait, turns out you can make me pick a favourite.

Touché Bandcamp Favorite track: Sexier.
Huxskey
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Huxskey Super tight production that's as funky as it is funny Favorite track: Sexier.
wilsonjackal
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wilsonjackal Lyrical genius, unquestionably funky. Favorite track: Tiny Butt.
Raven Taron
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Raven Taron A wonderful balance of off kilter tongue-in-cheek humor with some just mighty fine tunes. I find the songs often get stuck in my head for hours at a time in the best possible way. Favorite track: Sexier.
Wiwiweb
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Wiwiweb That song got stuck in my head for a week. Up there with Flight of the Conchords. Favorite track: Hench.
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1.
Get It Right 03:13
It’s enough to drive you crazy But crazy isn’t enough for me I’ve been freakin’ out just lately That all my are freakouts are incomplete I get stuck on the details I can never send an email Because I need to always Get It Right If I’m starting something You just might Get to see me in a different light If you’re starting something Get It Right And I’ll get it right too We’re all fielding for perfection And only some are gonna make the catch I sing to my reflection And a perfect vocal echoes back When you’re a perfectionist Your sentences can never fini- Why do I have to always Get It Right? If I’m starting something You just might Get to see me in a different light If you’re starting something Get It Right And I’ll get it right too Why can’t things ever be enough? Why do I ask for far too much? Why can’t I end what I’ve begun? There’s irony in giving up.
2.
Light Touch 02:59
There’s no I in team But there is an M and an E And that spells me But I don’t attention seek I’m hiding in the corner, don’t look at me (so shy) I wanna buy you flowers and sparkling wine But they cost 7.99 And all I’ve got is £7.95 I guess I’m just shy. So it’s gonna take a light touch, honey If you wanna pay attention to me Cause I don’t really like much, if I’m honest I don’t look at mirrors, cause I’m even shy of me No I don’t like the limelight I don’t need that full fat sugar attention I want that coca-cola lime light I want that coca-cola lime light I can only make eye contact out of the side of my face (like a shy pigeon, coo coo) Don’t think that I’m homophobic, just because I’m avoiding your gaze. When I aim at coconuts I never miss I’m a coconut shy boy Baby I’m a Japanese freshwater fish, I’m a carp. I’m so Koi. It’s gonna take a light touch, honey If you wanna pay attention to me Cause I don’t really like much, if I’m honest When I dance in public, I do it timidly No I don’t like the limelight I don’t need that full fat sugar attention I want coca-cola lime light I want that coca-cola lime light Hiding behind a japanese fan Hiding behind this tinny of guinness Hiding behind my infinite hands Hiding behind the concept of shyness It’s gonna take a light touch, honey If you wanna pay attention to me Cause I don’t really like much, if I’m honest When I dance in public, I do it timidly No I don’t like the limelight I don’t need that full fat sugar attention I want coca-cola lime light I want that coca-cola lime light
3.
Miami 02:42
Living in the UK, the mediocre weather took a toll on me That place wasn’t groovay, but i knew there was a city somewhere calling me Miami.... we wear aviators on our eyelids Miami... because everyone is chopper pilots Miami... a carpenter would have a crisis Seeing all our dirty vices So why don’t you come visit - Miami? The city that I’m proud to call my home Muscle Beach is bitchin’ - So sandy! Everyone is muscular and toned And I definitely live here. Miami vice? More like miami nice Miami vice? More like miami nice Getting round Miami, an open hood convertible is all you need Waterproof on one side, and the other is a practical but sexy fleece. Miami - the second biggest city in South Florida I am not - copy-pasting this off wikipedia Miami - has the highest density of crocodilia Of all the Southern states [Citation needed] So why don’t you come visit - Miami? It’s in between Las Vegas and Japan Mini-golf and fishing - Fresh scampi! And ice cream from an old man in a van I do not live in Sheringham. He’s moving to the rhythm of Miami He’s looking through the prism of Miami It’s definitely true he’s living in Miami
4.
Taste Of You 02:44
I never had an addictive personality I’ve never eaten marijuana, crack or heroine (no no no not tasty) But since you came into my life there’s been change in me Now there’s only one thing that can get me ticking: I’m addicted to the taste of you I’m afflicted with a love for the flavour of your body And I’m lickin’ every inch of you And there’s only one way to kick the habit: Going mmmm, cold turkey. Mmmm, cold turkey. Everybody says that you’re no good for me The doctor tells me my love diet is unhealthy (so bad for you) And a guy on twitter said that farms treat you unethically But I just need to lick a slice of cold turkey. (wait what’s he talking about) Cause I’m addicted to the taste of you (cold turkey) I’m afflicted with a love for the flavour of your body Sliced chicken ain’t no substitute (he’s talking about actual cold turkey) It feels so good to gobble gobble on a gobbler. Mmmm, cold turkey. Mmmm, cold turkey. I’m addicted to the taste of you (245 million turkeys are killed every year for human consumption) I’m addicted to the taste of you (Meat is a rich source of the protein essential for a human diet.) I’m addicted to the taste of you (Vegetarians have a significantly lower risk of heart disease) I’m addicted to the taste of you (Eating meat is linked to the rapid development of the brain in early hominids.) I’m addicted to the taste of you (Studies have found that birds have strong analytical and problem solving skills.)
5.
You Need An Old-fashioned lover Someone to make you feel so good You Need An Old-fashioned lover Someone to put you in the mood Red wine and candles Old-fashioned lover Lying on rose petals Old-fashioned lover Bring back public executions Old-fashioned lover There’s no such thing as air pollution Old-fashioned lover You Need An Old-fashioned lover Someone to make you feel so good You Need An Old-fashioned lover Someone to fight for your honour in a duel Feeling homicidal Meet me in the morn Picking up my rifle At the crack of dawn Facing off my rival Point of no return Killing for survival Avenge my honour scorned You Need An Old-fashioned lover Someone to make you feel so good You Need An Old-fashioned lover Someone to put you in the mood
6.
Hench 02:29
When I need to decompress When this crazy world around me’s got me feeling kinda stressed I’ve got a method, it’s the best: I get the feelings off my chest, And replace them all with pecs. I’m getting hench I’ve got expertise in strength I do the thing where you lift your legs up And the one where you press the bench. I’m getting hench, so hench Abs like dry cement Don’t look directly at them, Cause you’ll find it too intense. Working out, and working up a sweat Ha ha ha ha ha Running about, never running out of breath Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaa (inhaler pump) When you’re hench, the struggle’s real I got fired from a bakery for selling buns of steel It’s difficult, it’s an ordeal A woman called the cops on me Cause she thought these guns were real Hench, so hench It’s a thirst I cannot quench Friedrich Nietzsche you can eat your heart out; I’m the Ubermensch I’m hench, so hench My biceps are immense Alfred Hitchcock I could teach you About making something tense Oooh, baby I know your hungry for my muscular body. Oooh, but baby you’re gonna need to eat some snack-a-jacks or something Cause I’m busy getting hench So hench I makes no sense My muscular capacity’s at 110% Hench, so hench Look at my booty clench Oui je suis aussi fort Yes I am also hench in French. Push up with two hands Push up with one hand Push up with no hands Push up with someone else’s hands.
7.
B-b-b-b-baby We met today, I gave you goosebumps I hope you like mid-90s horror books. You said you wouldn’t date me, But now we’re up in my apartment I can tell you’re tryna play games with me, and you’re in luck, Cause I’ve got loads of games How about 007: Agent Under Fire? I’ll teach you how to use the grappling hook. So come on over woman, I’m gonna treat you right I’ll let you use the good controller If you come on over woman Sit on the couch with me, and move a little closer So you can get a better look at the book of cheat codes-ah. B-b-b-baby I think I misread the situation. I thought you came up for some PS2. But b-b-b-baby Now I see your real intention It’s a different type of game with me, in another room, You’ve come to the right place I’ve got the Sims 2 setup on my bedroom desktop I’ll let you drown Cordelia in the pool. If you come on over woman, pull up the second chair We can swap in 15 minutes If you come on over a woman, I know I’m taking a while, but I swear I’m nearly finished They’re using the jacuzzi and I’m pretty enthused to make them do the business Boy, stop playing games with me. Just five more minutes, please. Boy, stop playing games with me. No don’t touch that cord. Boy, stop playing games with me. Ahhhh what the hell? I hadn’t saved my game. Boy, stop playing games with me. What so at your job would you just turn off the life support machines? It is incredibly immature, what you’ve just done.
8.
Tiny Butt 01:44
Damn, boy, look at that butt Look at it wiggling, look at it strut You could go to prison for a booty like that So criminally small and illicitly flat. Wearing chinos, leggings, jeans that you’re clad in Hot pants, jeggings, the pants of Aladdin, Tights, flares, trousers of satin: So many clothes for this butt to look bad in. Damn that ass is tiny Such a microscopic heiny An inferior posterior, A seriously miniscule derriere So come on boy, tell me how you do it I got a microscope and I’m looking right through it But I still can’t see ya booty, you better start tellin’ us How your gluteus is so damn minimus. Damn boy, look at that bott I’m shook when I’m lookin’ at this booty paradox Cause the space that it’s got ain’t a hell of a lot; All I see is the space where the booty is not. I’ve seen a few asses that just won’t quit But your butt’s in a state of permanent rest. And I’ve seen a few people with booty for days But your booty’s for 22 minutes at best. Damn that ass is tiny Such a microscopic heiny An inferior posterior, A seriously miniscule derriere So come on boy, tell me how you do it I got a microscope and I’m looking right through it But I still can’t see ya booty, you better start tellin’ us How your gluteus is so damn minimus. Damn boy, look at the butt I love it when I see it there popping a squat Other booties are peachy in their colour and shape But your fruit is less peach and maybe more like a grape. Just a skinny tall guy with a teeny butt, You can look, but you shouldn’t touch. Cause it’s dangerously thin; so thin that if you touch It you gonna walk away with a paper cut I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly Cause this jelly is dense, and it’s packing a smack It’s concentrated jelly, it’s a dangerous snack, it’s like Eating undiluted jelly straight from the packet. Damn that ass is tiny Such a microscopic heiny An inferior posterior, A seriously miniscule derriere So come on boy, tell me how you do it I got a microscope and I’m looking right through it But I still can’t see ya booty, you better start tellin’ us How your gluteus is so damn minimus.
9.
Elaine 03:17
Elaine, you’re like a broken pedal bicycle; off the chain. Your love is too big for tupperware; can’t be contained. I can’t believe that I’m about to make love to Elaine. Elaine, you’re like a generous French baker; giving me pain Like website on a server; I’m in your domain And I feel there’s no escaping you now, Elaine. Because you give me shelter from the storm Your smile is sweet, your castle warm Your skin is see-through, teeth are long Alarm bells ringing! You say I’m just in time for dinner I catch your eyeline in the mirror On inspection, there’s no reflection, I lose my erection, hey! Elaine, you sunk your teeth into me, now I’m in pain You’re cranially adhesive; stuck on my brain. Oh, please remove your fangs from my skull, Elaine. Now you’re sieving the blood from my brain; it’s a mental strain, yeah And you’re siphoning it into your own vertebral vein, yeah Why the hell did I choose to holiday in Transylvan-yeah? Boy, your skin looks so delicious I just want to give you kisses And by kisses obviously I mean Draining the blood from your body. Baby your my fantasy Baby I just want to see That blood run scarlet Wait what’s that in your pocket A clove of garlic - ahhHH! Oh Elaine, you messed with a Vampire hunter, I should explain: The villagers sent me here to see you slain. Now the power of Christ compels you to die, Elaine. (unspecified verbal junk)
10.
Overthunk 02:07
What are you supposed to say When a friend of yours is going to visit Another one of their friends Who you don’t know very well But you have spoken once before So you do say “send them my love”? Cause that’s a fucking weird thing to say To someone you only met once in Sainsbury’s What are you supposed to say When a friend of yours is going to visit Another one of their friends Who you don’t know very well Do you say “send my regards”? Cause that’s a fucking weird thing to say You sound like a Victorian Vicar who hates women (Who hates women) What are you supposed to say When a friend of yours is going to visit Another one of their friends Who you don’t know very well Do you say “Say hi from me” Cause that’s a fucking lame thing to say What are they supposed to say in reply? “Tell Archie that I also say hi”? I’m the conversational embodiment Of shaking someone’s hand when they try to fist bump But that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t try, oh yeah It means I should just curl up and die
11.
Beard 02:35
25 and things have changed yeah, I’m a big boy now, and look my age, yeah But part of me was kind of expecting more Than three lonely hairs poking out of my jaw I really thought that I’d have a beard by now I really thought that I’d have a beard by now I really thought I really thought At the GP, Doctor Jensen Saying he can help with hair growth medicine He takes out a needle, and fills it with meds Then stabs it in his leg; through his tears he says: I really thought that I’d have a beard by now I really thought that I’d have a beard by now I really thought I really thought Does it mean I’m not enough If I don’t have pubes coming out of my face? Does it mean I’m not enough If my testosterone type is in lower case? If my mouth warmth levels are in dire straits? And all the fellas say And all the fellas say I want a place to keep all the food I don’t eat And all the fellas say I’d settle for a vaguely convincing moustache And all the fellas say We really thought that we’d have beards by now They implied that we’d all have beards by now We really thought We really thought
12.
I’ve been busy earning, in the office churning Have I got a lotta dolla? You can bet your bottom stirling. I’ve got cash for spending on you, a bit of retail cleansing Phone suspending, computer ending, no machine unless it’s vending. Spared no expense, I got that Bollinger on ice Oooh, ooh, ooh, it’s cold 300 pence, I could’ve made a cheaper icy choice But this type of ice was twice the price. Ooh, you’re looking at a high budget boy I’m earning and I wanna spoil ya Ooh, you’re looking at a high budget boy I think I just dropped my phone in the toilet. Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no. It’s a brand new phone. Just try to ignore it Global finance crisis, poles becoming iceless Mindless fighters joining ISIS, these the times that will divide us. You need a minute’s silence, baby I provide this Quiet doesn’t cost the world in fact with me it’s fully priceless. Oh baby, I’ve got my telephone in rice. And do you, do you, do you know, that baby You shouldn’t bin the grains, they still cook nice And you can only slightly taste your device Ooh, you’re looking at a high budget boy I’m spending my time on your pleasure Ooh, I recommend you add some sauce of soy Cause it slightly hides the metallic flavour. Ooh, you’re looking at a high budget boy Ooh, you’re looking at a high budget boy
13.
Sexier 02:54
I got something to tell you I’m not as sexy as I first appear Oh mademoiselle you’ve been deceived My sexual magnetism isn’t sincere. I hate to cause you total confusion But baby my sexiness is an illusion Something to tell you I’m not as sexy as I first appear I’m sexier I’m sexier Marginally sexier. I’m sexier Do I have to prove it to ya? The big hunky boys are just haters Of my imperceivable sexpertise. They might look better on paper But I guess that just means I must be saving trees I know they’re good at macho hobbies like punching And hunting and judo, and DJ and juggling But all of those guys are just fakers Because I can juggle with a greater sense of ease Which makes me sexier I’m sexier 2% percent sexier. 1.02 times sexier Depending on your criteria. Check it. Now we - gotta - break it - down. Other guys are fake and plastic, but baby I’m the real deal, I can make you feel real ah! Decorticate this tall banana, you’ll reveal that it’s got sex appeal, I just can’t conceal Other guys are fake and plastic, but baby I’m the real deal, I can make you feel real ah! Decorticate banana, you’ll reveal that it’s got sex appeal, it's got sex appeal
14.
Sincerité 03:03
People telling me to wear my feelings on my sleeve But I’m rolled up to the elbow so you can’t perceive them, yeah I’ve been using the amusing just to put up fences But there’s something ‘bout this music breaking my defences I’m trying out sincerity, yeah I’m letting out all the feels. No more joking with you baby, joking with you. I’m trying out sincerity, yeah. I can’t describe how it feels To be open with you baby, open with you. Real deep down we're all victims of our own opacity All this love for the giving but our lovin’ won’t come free Reel me down like you’re fishing for that perfect honesty I’ve no love for a system that won’t encourage me I’m trying out sincerity, yeah I’m letting out all the feels. No more joking with you baby, joking with you. I’m trying out sincerity, yeah. I can’t describe how it feels To be open with you baby, open with you. I’m trying out sincerity, yeah I’m letting out all the feels. No more joking with you baby, joking with you.

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released January 20, 2020

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Jazz Emu London, UK

Jazz Emu is a multi award-winning Sex Therapist with a proven track record. His therapy sessions have been featured on infamous music establishments such as Comic Relief, Sky, and BBC Radio 4. He also produces ground-breakingly sincere musical video content on Youtube. ... more

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