Lately, You’ve been feeling That the bad boys only making you feel badder (excuse my grammar) But baby You’re revealing That you’re looking for a different type of man Other guys are crazy Screw them baby You don’t need that raunchy stuff Too much fun Has made you numb But I think I can sponge it up. I’m so predictable I’m crazy boring baby I push moderation the extreme I stick to ritual My days are all so samey And I can give you this monotony I can fill you with mundanity I keep Things taxonomic I got a list of all the lists I want to make Baby you need Things monochromic So come and live your life in 50 Shades of Grey (I don’t mean the sexy way) Look at the pie chart Of my life You’ll see there’s no variables (predictability/predictability) Wanna track my range With a quantum gauge? You’ll see, my change is negligible I’m so predictable I keep things unsurprising Fluorescent beige ain’t got nothing on me Totally typical Girl I’m so unpolarizing I can give you that monotony I can give you that mundanity

It’s close to midnight That’s 87 minutes past my bedtime. (10.30pm - sharp) Can you hit the big light? Right now The only movement I can make is Rapid Eye. (I’m talkin’ ‘bout REM, rikachika) Throw? Alpine fur aesthetic Pillow? Hypoallergenic I’m falling under, falling under (lover undercovers) Oh, now I’m hypnagogic, No, losing grip on logic Ironmonger, big cucumber (bad spelunker) And when I fall asleep I dream of you I’m rocking in your cradle (Dream of you, dream of you) You always force me to be the bigger spoon So I make you the ladle. My dream, dream, dream, dream Dream, dream woman (sleep so well, we could do it with our eyes closed) My dream, dream, dream, dream Dream, dream woman (sleep so sexy, even the bed’s taking off its clothes) The Foam of Memory It holds the shape of you in my bed when you leave (reminiscent sponge) And also annoyingly It can recall the time I spilt some ketchup on the sheets (this mattress holds a grudge) You say it’s weird that I sleep with socks on. Excuse me for needing to keep my hands warm Emotions heated, motions heated. Why did I eat a whole wheel of cheese An hour before going to sleep? Fromage fever, fromage fever. And now I fall asleep and dream of you And your legs are made of gravel. (This isn’t good, isn’t good) You’re in the gift shop at Colchester Zoo Mud-wrestling with a camel (I’m so confused, so confused) My dream, dream, dream, dream Dream, dream woman (oh god now my teeth are falling out) My dream, dream, dream, dream Dream, dream woman (giving a Ted talk with my trousers down) Wake up in a cold sweat Feel relief that things are normal, baby I’ve got you right by my side With your skin so soft And legs so gravel-y Oh god I’m dreaming still, and now I feel An ominous sensation (dream of you, dream of you) How could we tell a dream from what is real Is this a simulation? (What’s illusion? What is true?) What’s a dream, dream, dream, dream Dream, dream, woman? (What if I’m just an NPC in a videogame?) Is this a dream, dream, dream, dream Dream, dream, woman? (What if aliens have planted time-seeds in my brain?)

We’re on the couch curled up We’ve been watching Bambi It’s come to the sad scene You feel my limbs tense up I thank god I’m manly Don’t need to show empathy You ask how I feel, I come out in a rash How can this be? I ate no shellfash. You say just open up, I sneeze right in your face Don’t speak another word girl, I’m allergic to my emotions. Oh baby, you’ve mistaken me For someone who can process his emotions. I’m shaking anaphylactically At the thought of being psychically open. Emotions makes you nuts They containing traces I’m itching voraciously So I keep my lid locked shut It’s healthy and spacious Repressing capaciously But there’s so many feels I know I should express Grab you by the hand and take a deep breath Feel a sudden warmth rushing through my whole chest Oh wait that’s inflammation I’m allergic to my emotions. Oh baby, you’ve mistaken me For a guy who won’t get hives from being open. Don’t make me speak emotionally Unless you’ve got dermatitic lotions. You say you don’t believe that Emotions can cause allergies. Now you’re Googling a pollen count meter And it’s off the charts today Wait you’re telling me my feeling hayfever Is caused by actual hay? Oh man that’s a big relief, yeah My allergy’s separate from my being Emotionally stunted. I’m so relieved that my immunosensitivity Is unrelated to my shitty communicative abilities

I’ve been waiting for the right time to tell you girl, That I’ve been thinking about you weekly Every Monday morning briefly Seven seconds at 11am I wish I could think about you all the time But there’s other more important stuff on my mind I’ve got limited cerebral capacity I can’t assign it all to thinking romantically Cause there are vital things I need to know Why do we pronounce it “trite cliché” But never call it “a slice of quiché”? And oh, what would happen to Pinnochio If he lied on opposite day? Would his nose invert inside his face? I’ve been waiting for the right time to tell you girl That I’ve been thinking about you sometimes But all my thoughts of you are confined To when I’m not wondering if a whale could make cheese If whales are really mammals I could technically milk one? And give it to a cheesemonger. It could cure world hunger Just imagine how much cheese it would make Do spiders break three legs off when they wanna hi5? Does Dwayne the Rock Johnson have a geode inside? Do elevator-makers get high off their own supply? Do cool psychics wear sunglasses on their inner eye? I’ve been waiting for the right time to tell you girl, That I’ve been thinking about you all day Well to speak more specifically I’ve been thinking about how women have eggs Do you think a human egg would taste different to a bird one? And do think an ant could fry it? I’m not saying we should try it But I bought an ant farm just in case I’ve been waiting for the right time I’ve been waiting for the right time

There comes a time in every long term relationship When a question arises that you've gotta get off your ch-ch-chest I need to learn from someone About how two become one, ohh One way, it all links together But you pull the other way And it makes it all split up. What? I don’t know how a zip works, baby, do you? It confuses me What’s the method that can link two edges of plastic? When I try myself I can’t make them intersect. It’s been on my mind lately, so baby, Do you know how a zip works? You always let your obsessive nature get the better of you, no I don’t, yes you do. I think you’ll find from these excel spreadsheets that is clearly untrue (look how low my average is!) It’s not a complex issue Look sit down here I’ll show you, ohhh, You link both the ends in the retainer Then you pull the slider and it… just kind of... (Horror realisation) I don’t know how a zip works, how does it fuse? Is it glue? How do two tiny tooth rows tether the fabric? Oh god, I fear this dark and powerful magic. Don’t you find it kind of creepy that baby, No one knows how a zip works? Oooh, no one at CERN can answer this thing (we should take all their funding away) (someone looking like they are explaining very clearly, smashing the board to the floor angrily) Oooh, and there are no answers on Google or Bing (Who even uses Bing anyway) I’m praying to god, and deep in my thoughts I think I can make out a whispered response: I don’t know how a zip works, no, not a clue. Is it screws or something? I don’t get how the sides connect, is it magnets? Or some tiny little babies just holding it? I create disease daily, it’s crazy That I don’t know how a zip works. Scientist: It’s just a series of interlocking teeth which interdigitate by a sliding mechanism- But I’m pretty sure it’s magnets! Now we know how a zip works, baby it’s true. It’s tiny magnets running through it. There’s a force in the teeth, and baby it’s magic And it wraps around the whole of our planet You can see it now plainly, but baby, Just please don’t ask how a magnet works.

Quarantine I been dining lonely Making my own take on eggs florentine By which I mean Replacing the ingredients With seven types of canned bean But from the shadows comes a fresh sensation It’s forcing me to take the self out of self-isolation Wasn’t looking for a Lockdown Lover But baby then I found you Spreading flower petals under the covers They called tulips cause they made for two (kiss) I never need no other I can’t believe I’ve discovered, that all this time I’ve been livin’ with my Lockdown Lover. And it’s the wizard from my bedroom cupboard Oooh, yes you heard right. There’s a wizard Living in my wardrobe Trying on my silk robes Our love so magical It make me ungrammatical And in the bedroom he’s a wild animal That’s literal He can transfigurate into a scorpion with mandibles Wasn’t looking for a Lockdown Lover But then you cast a spell on me Swish-and-flick, make my heart go hover, hah Levioser than Hermione You make the monochrome colour You turn the cold into summer, I never thought I’d be lovin’ livin’ with a Lockdown Lover Who’s a wizard from my bedroom cupboard You make me levitate I lose gravity Up, one, two with the Lockdown Lover Give up to the alchemy, livin’ in a fantasy I want you to be my Lockdown Lover

I think I’ve forgotten how to socialise Is think it’s what happens when you spend seven months on your own inside Just bumped into my auntie in the street And instead of asking “how are you” I said “I’m nice to meet”. That's not even a sentence. I think I’ve forgotten how to socialise I thought I could read a bunch of wikihows and start to self-remind But there’s so much on there they need to clarify Like “eye contact” does not mean you should touch their eyeball with your own eye. Sorry about that grandma. Hey, good to see you. It’s been a while! Yeah man, the Munsten could’ve Wednesday. What? The muns… Munsten was… but it’s blarn… in not so nicely. What? Thank you!

Hand me my inhaler Cause I think you took my breath away. Sounding like Lord Vader If his visor breath was syncopated Hand me my inhaler Cause you’ve knocked the wind right out of me Fetch turbine generator So we can harvest that wind energy Hand me my inhaler I’m not joking I should medicate Give me respirator Need immediate aerobic aid Hand me My In Haler Oh god my lungs Your physical appearance madam Causes me a bronchospasm Hand me My In Haler This is really bad Your devastating beauty has ma Lungs acutely doing asthma

Standing at a party You just locked eyes with somebody They’re clearly trying to greet you You smile “it’s nice to meet you” Oh shit, they were waving at somebody else! You’re starting to get panicky You try to compensate by laughing kind of manically You’re making it more awkward You’re getting sweaty, but it’s all good I don’t think anybody’s noticed, ooh Oooh, I need to teach you to save face (I can make your face so safe now) Oooh, cause if you’ve put your foot in it, There’s an easy way to pull it out Called your teacher mummy? Just gotta vibe it out Told a joke that wasn’t funny? Just gotta vibe it out Go to give a homeless man money But then you realise that you don’t have any? Just gotta vibe it out Hi 5 on a fist bump (you screwed it!) Gotta vibe it out Walk in on your friend’s mum (she pooin!) Gotta vibe it out Offer up your seat to a pregnancy hump Then realise it’s a guy with some junk in the trunk Just gotta vibe it out This is some information on how you can recover any situation All you need is good vibrations I don’t mean literally shaking, Don’t do that, it’ll make you look more crazy Oooh, so when you’re talking way too animated And spit on someone by mistake now, Oooh, I know a simple way to compensate Just spit some more, so it looks deliberate Payment gets rejected Just gotta vibe it out Bluetooth headphones weren’t connected Your porn was blaring out You make people watch the funny clip you suggested But it doesn’t get a laugh in the place you expected Accidental boner Just gotta vibe it out Spill wine on your boss’s sofa Who owns a plain white couch? Laugh really hard when a stranger falls over Then discover that he’s dead when you get a bit closer Just gotta vibe it out Only a neek addresses the consequences of their actions, yeah. So are you a neek? Or are you a fucking vibey legend? Break your nephew’s new guitar Just gotta vibe it out Hit a person with your car Just gotta vibe it out Say you’re not the biggest fan of Andrew Marr Then discover that he’s literally standing right tharr. Dropped your great aunt Mary’s coffin Just gotta vibe it out Kick a football at an orphan Just gotta vibe it out Perform a heart transplant with perfect precision Then discover they needed a totally different organ (FADE OUT) Accidentally sign up to ISIS Gotta vibe it out Now you’re one of their chief advisors Gotta vibe it out Get roped into designing a deadly virus Now your implicit in a global health crisis

It’s 2005, and I’ve just fallen in love. That’s right. Just because I’m only 11 years old, doesn’t mean I don’t know what making love feels like It feels like eating a delicious cheeseburger. It feels like a cheeseburger Or watching parkour videos for 3 hours straight on the internet That’s what love feels like, I reckon. I got home late, it’s a quarter to 8 I’m usually back at 5, but I had after-school swimming practice My coach Mario is from Peru, He’s so cool, he can make a funny bird noise with his mouth And I know it’s breaking the rules to compute before my tea time (spag bol, no onions pls) But girl you know I’m a fool for using hypermodern tools to commune with you online I’ll be waiting on the MSN messenger And we’re gonna raise the temperature Girl it’s always triple X when I message ya Cause I always put three kisses at the end of them (or 4 if I’m brave enough) MSN messenger Pretty sure I’m impressing ya Every word abbreviated for your pleasure I’m a SK8RBOI my TXT ABBRVS are always clear and DRTNPR Hi Hey U k? Gdgd, u? Gdgd Kl G2g K If brevity’s the soul of wit, I must be funniest motherflipper on this motherfrickin’ planet You and me, communicating electronically The pinnacle of modernity, man I can see this Thing lasting for eternity and certainly not being discontinued in 2013 Yeah there’s no way this tool could ever be replaced by something better, no Cause what could be clearer than a doughnut appearing every time you try to type the letter O? So just meet me on the MSN Messenger There’s no message more instanter You just type a winky face and then press enter It’ll be there in a second or a minute if you’re still on dial-up Fast forward to 2085. Everything’s different, technology has accelerated beyond our wildest dreams. You don’t even need a desktop computer to use MSN Messenger. MSN Messenger pods rise up from the street. Many have had MSN messenger installed in their brain via microchips. You just think of a Nudge and it makes your friend’s head vibrate aggressively. This is the future. And here I am, 90 years old. Just a hot old male with an old hotmail, and the exact same low res display picture, taken on my mother’s webcam in 2004. Waiting for groovychick95 to come back online. You’re probably happy somewhere. Married to some sk8rboi93. Watching your little groovychick sk8rboi grandkids grow up. But know this. Technology rushes past us like a blink in the eye of a world that’s looking too far forward to see the now. But I’m still waiting here. Watching that little blobby blue man with no face and a butterfly on his head. Waiting for that little green dot that tell me you’ve come back to me. Watching. Waiting. On the MSN Messenger.

I’ve invented The opposite of fingerless gloves For when you wanna keep your fingers warm and toasty But you still wanna keep both your palms exposed A tiny little hat for every finger Incredibly fiddly and hard to put on But just because it’s cold shouldn’t mean I can’t hi5 my buddies With a satisfying slap sound - YES! I’ve invented An additional challenge for accessing your smartphone I’ve invented A glove for a burglar who still wants his palms read The market ain’t ready for my Fingerful Gloves The FTSEs through the roof and my handsies are lovin’ it. The market ain’t ready for my Fingerful Gloves The FTSEs through the roof and my handsies are lovin’ it.

I'ma give you some instructions That you can't be scared to try I want you to touch it softly Like the way you do my mind It's got body and it's smooth to touch The same way as my skin Don't you be scared To run your hands through my hair Baby, 'cause that's why it's there Come run your hands through my hair Ooh baby, so don't you be scared So come run your hands through my hair It's been way long overdue Just like these inches down my back Usually don't let people touch it But tonight, you get a pass Spend my dimes and spend my time To keep it real, sometimes, it's tracks But I don't care So run your hands through my hair Baby, 'cause that's why it's there Come run your hands through my hair Ooh baby, so don't you be scared So come run your hands through my hair

We should keep the lights on all night I need to look you in the eyes Something so beautiful Should not be disguised Don’t darken the shine Baby you and I need to illuminise We should keep the lights on all night I need to see this paradise It’s not because I’m terrified Of the dark. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha Imagine if that was why I was singing this. Tell the DJ to turn the lights up, please (As high as possible) I just want to see your beautiful face (under 80 Watt fluorescent bulbs - Say Watt?) Why do nightclubs have to be so dark? It’s irresponsible. What if someone loses an earring? I’m just making a practical remark Unrelated to the concept of goblins appearing. We should keep the lights on all night There’s no such thing as way too bright It’s not because I’m terrified Of the dark and permanently scarred By the time I once saw a goblin man in the forest Biting your lip, do you mind if I slip into Something more comfortable? (Night vision is essential) I’ve tried eating carrots, but turns out they’re not A sight-improving vegetable. (Completely ineffectual) Don’t you think the mood would feel more right If we replace those scented candles with this industrial light? And do you have any talismanic runes? Specifically ones that might ward off a goblin. We should keep the lights on all night Cause I’m haunted by an evil sprite He wants to see me dead tonight, He’s lurking in the dark, I hate to have to ask But if it came down to it would you die in my place? I’m the Goblin of your nightmares You think I’m here for death scares But I just want to dance So give me one more chance Keep the lights off baby And I’ll show you how we do this

Everything is fucked It’s a flaming catastrophe Not a single thing is how it’s supposed to be I’m dead behind the eyes, dead behind the eyes But somehow also crippled with anxiety So tell me professor, how can I keep these feelings at bay I’m feeling the pressure, there must be some way I can make change Why not move planets? That’s quite a trip Maybe I’ll try it Everything is cool It’s a shining utopia Martian harvest so beautiful and copious I live a perfect life, live a perfect life So why do I still feel so fucking anxious? Oh maybe I’m hungry, maybe I need all the aliens’ grain, Feels good to be angry, I just need to vent a bit more pain Maybe I’ll just become Planetary overlord, I quite like the sound of Total dominion I may have gone overboard But fuck it, It’s all mine now. Clap along if you feel like happiness is for you Clap along if you feel Lord Emu is the truth Clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do Clap along if you feel like you’ll die if you don’t, a-shoo-ba-dee-doo Clap along if you feel like happiness is for you Clap along if you feel Lord Emu is the truth Clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do Clap along if you feel like you’ll die if you don’t, a-shoo-ba-dee-doo

Friday night, I’m working overtime To get my record on I kill the light, but you still hear the vibe Even with my headphones on Baby it’s no mystery Why you keep your kiss for meb We both got chequered history But you and me We own a jungle We own a jungle When I die, you bring me back to life Metempsychosify Call of Duty, press square to revive And y ou tap it every time Baby it’s no mystery Why you keep your kiss for me We both got chequered history But you and me We own a jungle We own a jungle Colder climes We feel the freezing Baker’s Bean It’s all we’re eating But every time I feel the need You bring the heat in We own a jungle We own a jungle We own a jungle

I’m the trash, are you the collector? Come pick me up. I’m the rash, upon your neck, can you fix me up. But sudo, sudo, sudocream just isn’t strong enough. Pseudo, pseudo, pseudo. Fake trust but you called my bluff, called my bluff. Wouldn’t get too close to me baby, Unless you’re tough enough Wanna feel you swallow my body And break me up There’s only one way to make this right I’m a parasitic pathogen, you be my phagocyte. There is no injection against verbosity, pure prolixity, feel my ego. I’m a fecular segment. Just for clarity, that means ‘piece of shit.’ And I know, I know, I know this work should be up to me, But a rhino, rhino, rhino gives up tusk reluctantly. Wouldn’t get too close to me baby, Unless you’re tough enough Wanna feel you swallow my body And break me up There’s only one way to make me right I’m a parasitic pathogen, you be my phagocyte. Ooooh, yeah. I’m poison baby, but I think your love can save me Ooooh, yeah. I’m poison baby, can you digest my contagion. Ooooh, yeah. I’m poison baby, but I think your love can save me Ooooh, yeah. I’m poison baby, can you digest my contagion.